Mr and Mrs Smith
by Eleanor D
Summary: AU. An esteemed bounty hunter, the top of her class. A hardened mercenary, honed by years of experience. Sounds like the perfect, unbeatable couple. Their mission? To kill each other. Snake x Samus, or Snakus, if you prefer.
1. That's Miss to You, Bucko

**Mr. and Mrs. Smith**

Well, as you can probably guess from the title, this story was mostly inspired by the movie _Mr. and Mrs. Smith_, that campy Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie movie that came out a few years ago. I haven't seen the movie in ages (actually, I don't think I ever even finished…watching it…), but I think it has the same basic premise: two in-love secret agents commissioned to kill each other off. I thought about doing it with my favorite kickass duo, Samus and Captain Falcon…but I think Snake actually fits really well! (Plus, Snake x Samus is kind of badass.) And don't worry…Captain Falcon's here, and he stars as Samus's right-hand man. And Sonic is Snake's little sidekick…I dunno why. It just felt right, you know?

Most all the other Smash Brothers are going to get involved too, somehow, I think, and everyone's a bounty hunter and it's just weird. We'll see how it goes, though. This first chapter is just an introduction.

**Rating: T** (Swearing, violence, romance. Good stuff.)  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own Smash Bros., bro.

**1:  
That's **_**Miss**_** to You, Bucko**

_BREEP! BREEP!_

Snake clicked the Codec, careful to keep his back pressed against the crate.

**SNAKE**  
Yeah?

**SONIC  
**Snake, have you infiltrated the facility?

"Yeah, I'm inside," Snake said, peeking around the side. A bulbous spacecraft squatted in the center of the loading dock. "Sonic, what's this gold...orange thing?"

Sonic was silent.

**SNAKE  
**…Sonic?

**SONIC  
**Gold…orange thing?…

Snake peeked his head around again, just in case he had made up what he had seen. The ship still sparkled dangerously.

**SNAKE**  
You know, like a ship!

**SONIC  
**…_Ohhh. _Anyone ever told you you're not the most articulate, Snake? That ship is Samus's ship. They usually use Captain Falcon's ship, the Falcon Flyer, to get places, though. It's faster and more maneuverable.

Snake rubbed his chin. Samus and Falcon were out now, so Sonic and Snake had taken the opportunity to explore the bounty hunters' base. But what was he going to do once they…_got back?_

"Sonic, could you possibly give me some more info on my mission? I'm…new here. Master Hand hardly gave me anything before I had to go out. I know I have to kill Samus, but…who _is_ Samus? Some sort of bounty hunter?"

"…Hmmmm…" Sonic said, as if he were chewing over a particularly juicy bit of information. Snake could just envision him leaning back in his chair, his hands folded behind his head as if he had all the time in the world. The merc's eyebrow twitched. "Well, you'd have to be a complete rookie to not know who Samus Aran is. Samus has killed notable envoys and broken up all of the best bounty hunting factions, including Star Fox—although I think they got back together—and the Triumvirate. But this is all completely new to you, right? All of this is psychobabble?"

Snake shrugged offhandedly. "Right."

"All you have to know Samus is the deadliest bounty hunter this side of Subspace. Everyone will know who you're talking about." Sonic sounded like he was leaning back in his chair again.

Snake waited for Sonic to continue. "Can't you give me anything else?"

"Um, wellll…if my calculations are right, why don't you take a look for yourself?"

Snake heard the door slide open. The mercenary quickly tucked his legs under him and craned his neck around the crates.

A human-shaped robot clanked down the aisle, a glittering composition in steel. The bounty hunter was constructed of orange and yellow pieces, all gleaming and shiny. Samus Aran's footsteps pierced the air as the bounty hunter inspected the ship.

"Looks tough," Snake commented. His eyes slid over the lustrous metal, the sharp edges.

The huge-ass cannon in place of an arm.

"_Is_," his partner confirmed. "She's pretty heartless, from what I've heard. But ya gotta be, in this business…"

"Hm…" Snake turned this sentence over for a moment. "Wait…did you say _'she'?_"

"Yeah, she. Samus Aran is a she." Sonic paused. "Wait…you didn't know Samus was a _girl?_"

Snake frowned. "…It's not _that_ obvious…"

"Some mercenary! Didn't even know Samus was a girl! Oh man, you are _such_ a rookie!" Sonic laughed. Then, he added mischievously: "…Think you can beat a _girl_, Snake?"

Snake scowled. "…Don't try me, hedgehog."

"Okay, okay, just kidding," Sonic consented. "Good luck, Snake! Keep it real!"

"Uh, thanks. I'll try," Snake said resignedly. "Oh, Sonic? One last thing…"

"Yeah?"

"Can't you give me _anything_ on how to beat her?"

Sonic scoffed. "What do you think they hired you for? That's your job: to find out how to beat Samus Aran. But you must be good. Hand's never even bothered to contract anyone against Samus before. He's heard good things about you." Snake didn't know whether to feel flattered or…terrified. "I can give you one more heads up, though."

Snake's ears perked up. "Yeah?"

"She just spotted you."

**! **"WHAT!—"

The boxes over his head imploded, showering splinters down on him. Reaching out on his belly, Snake snatched his Codec to his ear, expecting the cries of concern and profuse apologies he was accustomed.

"Snake…" Sonic began mournfully. "…YOU'RE TOO SLO-OW! Come on, step it up! You're going to need to be faster than that to survive here!—"

Sonic's tinny laughing ringing out of it, Snake threw his beloved Codec across the room. Snake cocked his missile launcher and turned, preparing to face the most fearsome bounty hunter this side of the stars. "I knew there was something about that hedgehog I didn't like…"

**xxx**

Samus and Captain Falcon enter next chapter. I'll try to update soon.

In other news, _Metroid_ is the most awesome series ever. Reading up on Samus's past almost made me cry. I thought I knew a lot, but it's clear I don't! She rocks, and I'm so glad to be writing about her. I hope I can do her (as well as the other characters) justice in the upcoming chapters…


	2. One Tough Creampuff

This chapter stars that amazing pink puffy thing, Kirby! I forgot how fun this chapter is...

**2:  
One Tough Creampuff**

Lowering her arm cannon, Samus smirked inside her helmet. _Bull's-eye_, she thought, clicking on the transmission screen in her visor.

"Nice one, Samus." Captain Falcon's face flicked on. "Direct hit! He's disabled."

"Thanks, Falcon. All due to you."

Captain Falcon gave a pleased smile. "This one shouldn't be too hard. He's barely equipped, and he has absolutely no experience with space warfare. He won't have much endurance for our style of battling."

"Good. I could use a vacation," Samus mused, casually clicking through explosive settings on her arm cannon. "Master Hand hasn't let up on us since Star Fox. Must eradicate all the dissenters, he says. Sheesh."

Falcon smiled at Samus's 'sheesh.' "Oh yeah, added a new application to the power suit. Should be easier to take off now."

"No kidding," Samus said as the pieces of her suit clattered to the ground with the click of a button. "I can see why you added it." She looked down her sleek torso, wrapped in blue nylon. "Perv."

Falcon frowned, a good-natured smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Don't call me that."

"I'm just kidding. Care to pick me up?"

"Already there." The Falcon Flyer sailed in, halting next to Samus. "What about Snake?"

"Problem solved," Samus said grimly, activating the motion sensor bomb positioned just three millimeters to the right of Snake's foot.

"Ooh, using his own tactics against him?" Falcon said as stepped out next to his partner, watching Snake's body get thrown up into the air. "Nice." Grabbing his handgun from his belt, the bounty hunter cocked it. "Get him now?"

"That would be too quick of a job. Let's savor it a little," Samus said, pulling off her helmet. She sauntered over to the unconscious man and tossed him up into the Falcon Flyer. "We're taking him for a ride."

xxx

Snake gradually opened his eyes. Two tall figures were standing over him, one a thin woman, the other a broad man. The woman was sinewy and lean, her body bound in a close-fitting blue suit and a blaster gun dangling from her hand. She looked like an elegant dancer, her blonde hair was tied back in a slick ponytail. The man was huge, looking as though he could break one's neck between his thumb and forefinger. His helmet covered the top half of his face, so Snake couldn't determine what he looked like very well. His blaster gun hung on a belt at his hip.

"Finally," the woman said. "What do should we do with him, Falcon? Kill him now? Or let him go?"

"Doesn't matter in the end," the man said grimly. Snake lay there on his back, feeling ganged up on. Obviously the woman was Samus; the other must be Captain Falcon. From the way they posed next to each other, it was clear that these two were a couple, or at least close friends. Snake burned with jealousy at Falcon's closeness with such an elite…and such a beautiful…woman. Hmph.

Samus pondered for a moment. "We'll let him go for now," she said. "Wouldn't be much of a challenge otherwise." She shepherded Snake to the hatch door. She opened it for him.

The city of Port Town twinkled three thousand feet below.

"Out you go," Samus encouraged, prodding Snake in the back.

"Isn't this a little cheap?" Snake shot, looking fearfully at the fluffy white clouds below him. Those were all that were keeping him from a date with the ground.

Samus shrugged. "Less mess."

Snake hesitated at the edge. Then, he turned and smiled at Samus. "Maybe we'll meet again, Ar—"

Samus pushed Snake out of the ship.

"—_!_"

"Heh." Falcon peered over the side, watching Snake disappear. "Too easy."

"Yes, he'll be lucky if he survives that one," Samus said, sticking her nose over the edge and observing pointedly.

Meanwhile, Snake clung to the bottom runner of the ship, hanging on for dear life. He had gotten lucky—his Cypher had saved him, smashing him into underside of the Falcon Flyer after he had deployed it. The ship dipped and dived continually, making it quite hard to cling on, but Snake held strong and determined with his iron grip. After several seconds of bouncing around, he pulled the strength to wrap his legs around the axel and start crawling along it.

Up on deck, a large splotch fell across the window. Samus and Falcon glanced up to find Solid Snake staring at them through the window, ready for round two. The mercenary smiled and waved.

"Hm. Interesting," Samus said, mildly surprised. "I didn't even see how he got on…"

"Er, want me to activate the blaster guns?" Falcon said, his finger wavering dangerously over a huge, important-looking button.

"Nah, too predictable," Samus dismissed. "I have Halberd in the vicinity."

"Ah. Good ol' Halberd."

A shadow fell over Snake. He looked up. The nose of a huge vessel emerged from the clouds, the face mounted on its bow advancing like a hungry beast. A laser cannon snaked out from the starboard and aimed directly at him.

_**! **_"You have _got_ to be kidding me—"

The cabin shook slightly as the lasers impacted, but Samus and Falcon went about their daily business, as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Something hard suddenly smacked against the steel door, and Samus pressed it open. Snake fell in, smoking and coughing.

The mercenary pushed himself up on his hands and knees and staggered to his feet. "All right," he said. "I shocked up to your missiles, skirted your assassination attempt and survived your stupid—" Gasp. "—guns. Now what?" Snake put up his fists, sincerely hoping that whatever they threw at him next just fired nuclear warheads or bombs or something. As long as it wasn't lasers.

Suddenly Samus's intrigue was piqued. This man was so pitiable—he was clearly a strong warrior, who took his missions seriously enough never to give up; he would fight until the job was done. Or until he was dead, anyway, as would be the case here. Aw, should she do it: Completely, utterly embarrass him in his weakest hour?

…Yes.

Samus spoke into the communicator: "Come in, Kirby."

Snake snapped back into fighting position. It had looked as though Samus might ease up on him for a moment, but the soldier knew he should have known better—Samus was clearly not one to go easy on any adversary. He raised his fists, preparing himself to face whatever huge, monstrous, many-muscled beast 'Kirby' was.

In bobbled a pink blob, about a foot tall. It had large sparkly eyes and little red dabs on its cheeks. It was round like a ball, and little pink shoes adorned its feet.

Snake looked at Kirby.

Kirby looked at Snake.

Snake looked Kirby long and hard in the eye, searching for any evil glimmer that revealed its hidden inner demon.

"Poyo!" Kirby said.

"Hm," Snake replied. It was a marshmallow.

It was a giant, pink marshmallow.

Snake slowly turned to Samus and Falcon, a rare twinkle of mirth glinting in his green eyes. His face cracked open into a wide smile, and he snorted in disbelief.

"…_What?_" he said, laughing.

_Ohhhh, that silly, silly man_. Samus smirked. The irony was just superb. She just smiled and shrugged. "So you think you can bring it against Kirby?"

"Think I can bring it against a giant pink marsh—"

"Hyah-CHA!" Kirby screamed, bringing his cutter blade down on Snake's head.

"AHRG!" Snake was thrown against the filing cabinet, a pile of papers falling on his head.

Some time later, this pink marshmallow had punched him, swallowed him and whacked him with a hammer. Snake was finally brought to his knees, conquered by the awesome and intrepid Kirby. Our mercenary had tried his best—he had used every weapon in his arsenal, but every missile, every grenade seemed to bounce off Kirby's rubber exterior and boomerang right back to him.

Meanwhile, Samus and Falcon didn't lift a finger. They sat the entire time, their legs crossed, watching with amused expressions on their faces and chuckling at appropriate moments. When he wasn't getting punched, Snake thought they might as well have been drinking tea and Falcon should have been smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper, they were so smug. Anger burst in him again that this idiot Falcon got some tough girl as a partner and he didn't. Ugh.

"Hm, transmission coming in." Falcon strode over to the control panel. "Someone's on the roof."

He opened the top hatch, and a ladder dangled in. A helicopter manned by the one and only Sonic the Hedgehog hovered overhead, rocking back and forth in treacherous fashion.

"Snake, hurry up!" Sonic called. "I _can't fly this thing very well!_—"

Burning with embarrassment, Snake heaved himself to his feet and grabbed onto the ladder.

"Looks like your carpool is here," Samus said, raising her eyebrows faintly at Sonic. "Nice meeting you, Snake. We'll be sure to see each other again soon."

Snake turned his back on her, glowering darkly. His shoulders were caved in defeat. "Hmph. I'm sure we will. And I don't look forward to it." He then thought of something else, and turned back to the bounty hunter for one last word. He just had to know. "Tell your fiancée I'm coming after him, too. You're not the only one, Aran."

"'Fiancée'?" Samus said. She looked around at Falcon. "Oh, him? Oh, we're not _dating._" Samus smiled. "We don't even like each other. We're just very good partners. I'm afraid you won't be able to beat us, mercenary."

Snake stared at her, his expression blank. Then, his eyebrows rose up demurely. "…Suppose he wouldn't mind if you give me a kiss for good luck then, eh?"

"…A _kiss_?" Samus frowned, truly abashed. "My, aren't we the bold one? Especially after that performance with Kirby. Get your ass up into that helicopter before I blast you. Or call Kirby in again. Would you like that?"

"No, I sure wouldn't," Snake mumbled. But he still shot Samus a sly smile. "Maybe next time, then." He then scrambled up the ladder and, pushing Sonic out of the driver's seat, flew away.

Samus watched the helicopter disappear into the distance, a strange sensation of admiration filling her. Not many people could handle being beaten up by a creampuff, after all.

…And still have the balls to ask for a kiss.

xxx

"Mmmm, chili dog! My favorite!" Sonic said, eagerly unwrapping his dinner and scarfing it down.

"…Would youstopstuffingyourface and_ listen_ to me?" Snake growled, his face going red.

"Whoa, cool it, amigo," Sonic said, raising his eyebrows at the…sometimes cool cat. He threw the paper in the trash, missing by a few inches, and swiveled around to face Snake. "Something bothering you? You sure are acting grouchy—I mean, even more than usual!"

"_No_."

"Is this about this afternoon? Surely it's not so bad. I mean, what happened again? Something about Kirby?" Sonic grinned cheekily.

"Cut it out," Snake growled, glowing red. "I _mean_ it."

"Heh—_okay_," Sonic consented, but he was still smiling. "Now, what do need me to do?"

"I _need_ you—" Snake frowned. "—to get me a background check. On anyone and everyone. And then…hire me some people of my own. The only way we're going to get them is to play their own game. We need _contacts_." He smacked his fist into his hand.

"Well, okay…" Sonic said. "But Samus and Falcon seem to pretty well have a tabs on everyone. They would know right away who we had gotten."

"I know that," Snake said, much more coolly. The red was finally draining from his face. "But not all of them can be their friends. They're bound to have made some enemies, too."

Sonic clicked on his computer. "Well, I got someone right here." Two kids' faces popped up, one with black hair, the other with blonde. Their ages read "10 to 13" at the bottom of the page.

"Kids, eh?" Snake frowned, rubbing a hand through his hair. "Do you think that's, um…wise?"

"Snake? Pink puffballs. Pink. Puffballs."

"Damn. You're right." Snake sighed, sitting back heavily in his chair. The mercenary was beginning to wonder what crazy mixed-up warfare he had gotten himself into. At home, stealth and tactics were his forte; while they didn't work for everyone, they certainly worked for him. Here, everything was game. His tactics may work, but they would take time to adapt to this absurd power battling, where people employed crazy creatures to do their dirty work for them for them, and those crazy creatures had absurd skills like inhaling him or turning into rocks and falling on his head. "It's a whole new world we're in." His face souring, Snake added as an afterthought: "And I'll never enjoy marshmallows again."

**xxx  
**

Sorry to make fun of Snake so much, but if you know me, you know it's all out of love. Besides, he'll get his revenge soon enough…guess who enters next chapter? *cackles evilly and rubs hands*…


	3. PK Masters!

Ness and Lucas take the stage this chapter…I love those two so much. They're so cool, and EarthBound is a pretty neat game in and of itself: sci-fi but also coming-of-age and modern. Lucas is one of my favorite characters to use in Brawl, and while I guess don't technically use Ness much, whenever I play as one I always want to play as the other at the same time, but it's kind of hard holding two controllers. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that good things come in twos.

…PK Starstooooorm! :D

**3:  
PK Masters!**

Snake paced the floor of his office, anticipating his first meeting with EarthBound, the freelance psychokinetic (or PK, as it was shortened to) group comprising of two young boys: Ness and Lucas. Snake had read on the database that these two were highly sought after, renowned for their unconventional fighting style and psychic prowess, and thus elevating them to one of the most influential veteran factions there were. Snake wasn't sure he needed someone quite so apparently…powerful to help him, but he conceded he was a first-timer and probably could use the extra help.

…Aand, he was far from forgetting Kirby.

Snake looked at his watch, and it swat seven. "Annny minute now—"

With a smart crack, two boys appeared at Snake's feet, causing the mercenary to stumble back against his desk and utter a small "Whoa." They both only came to his knee, but they had unusually large heads, no doubt to carry their abnormally huge brains. Their similarities ended there, however: The one on the left, the one wearing a baseball cap over his black hair, stood boldly and confidently, his hands on his hips and a smile on his face. The blonde kid, meanwhile, trembled behind his counterpart, eyeing Snake anxiously. These were the stuff of legend; these were the boys that rode on the tails of stars.

This was EarthBound.

"Hello!" the bold-looking one said, striking out his hand. "Are you Solid Snake?"

"Y—Yes. Yes I am," Snake said, a little dazed. He had to stoop slightly to shake the kid's hand. "Are you Ness?"

"I am Ness! Nice to meet you, Solid Snake." Ness looked to the blonde boy huddling behind him. "Lucas says so, too."

"'Lucas says', huh?" Snake smiled at the blonde kid, but he feared he ended up frightening him instead. "Can't he speak for himself?"

"He's kind of shy around new people," Ness explained. "Actually, he's kind of shy around everyone." Lucas frowned, hitting Ness in the back. "_Ow_. I mean, he is sometimes. …A lot of the time."

Lucas hit him in the back again.

"Sometimes."

Snake rubbed his chin. These two had an interesting dynamic, and he wondered if they were up to snuff. But they were so highly-rated…he guessed he was going to find out for himself. "So, I've heard you're twelve?" He pointed this at Ness.

"Thirteen, if you wanted to get picky," Ness admitted, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I had a birthday in February."

"Thirteen, eh? I guess that's not too shabby." Snake grinned. "How old's Blondie?"

"Eight."

"_Eight?_"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Just, uh, young, is all…" Snake had read the boys were young—elementary school age on the database. It just hadn't quite registered that two kids were capable of deadly combat and political diplomacy usually left to adults.

"Well, Lucas may be young, but his PSI skills are quite advanced—in fact, they're a little more powerful than mine," Ness offered, shrugging.

Suddenly an explosion rocked the room. Lucas trembled in the corner next to the computer—or where the computer had been, anyway. There was a rather large crater there now.

Ness grinned at Snake encouragingly. "_See?_"

"…" Snake stared at the smoking hole. "You know that cost about ten thousand dollars, right?"

"Uhm…our profound skills will surely make up for it," Ness said, sweeping a bow.

"…I'll have to trust you on that one, kid," Snake replied, feeling lightheaded and pretty profound himself dealing with genius, explosion-causing children. "Now, I guess I should tell you what I need you to do—"

"No need, Snake," Ness said, waving him off. The audacious kid tapped a finger to his temple and grinned. "Psychic, remember? C'mon, Lucas! We have work to do!" Lucas quickly kicked some dirt into the crater, as if to cover it, and ran to Ness.

With a crisp pop, the two boys vanished.

Snake stared at where the boys once were. "…_Damn_. _Good_ pick, Sonic."

The hedgehog had wandered in, taking a sip of coffee. He stopped short in his tracks, staring at the fuming hole where their computer had just been.

"…I'll have to trust you on that one, Snake," he said.

x x x

Ness and Lucas were prepping their mayhem at the headquarters of Samus and Captain Falcon.

"Gooey Bombs, Bob-ombs, Smart Bombs…" Ness murmured to himself, chucking all sorts of explosive materials over his shoulder into a crate. He felt a tug on his shorts. "Hm?"

Timid, sweet little Lucas held up a bottle rocket questioningly.

"…Oh, _good_, Lucas," Ness grinned. "Yeah, yeah, put them right in there…_ex_cellent…"

x x x

"Hey, Falcon."

Falcon paused from his strenuous work, headbanging to loud music and eating Chinese food. "Yeah?"

"See this?" Samus wandered into the room, her nose buried in a pile of papers. Not looking up, she tossed a gardenia-scented note written in spidery, elegant handwriting onto Falcon's desk. "Zelda's free. We could use her."

"I like Zelda," Falcon said, unfolding the letter and glancing over it. "She's gotten a lot stronger."

"Yeah, she must be practicing. I think we have her and Link pretty well under wraps…"

"Legend of Zelda always good to have on hand." Falcon smiled.

"They're both reliable, although average…" Samus frowned, squinting at a sheet of paper. Looking worried, she slid the paper under Falcon's nose. "Now, look at this…"

It was a graph of the activity of all the major, and a few minor, bounty hunting factions. Star Fox, Legend of Zelda, Donkey Kong, Samus and Falcon's own collaboration…the dots and colors next to each organization graphed their activity over the past week. Next to several major names were large spikes in business—it was unusual there so many jobs in the same week. "Strange, how they've been alerted…"

What Samus failed to take note of was the spike of activity next to EarthBound, passing it off as normal. The psychic boys were always getting hired for wedding gigs and birthday parties. They arranged nice fireworks displays.

Falcon rubbed Samus's back, trying to relieve the corded-up tension in her shoulders. Samus was easily riled up, surprising for one so calm once she was in her zone. Although she could usually do it herself, Falcon tried to alleviate his partner quickly; it made them more efficient, and it saved her—and him—a lot of pain and stress. "It's probably nothing, Master Hand and someone else just bored or something…"

"I guess so…" Samus bit her lip, but the worry line between her eyebrows disappeared. "Yeah, you're probably right. Just strange, is all. Anyway…"

A pink light flicked on overhead. Falcon glanced up at it. "Package."

"Super Missile shipment," Samus told him as he went to fetch it. She looked up at the calendar suddenly. "Unusually early…"

Falcon slammed the crate on the floor, rattling its contents. Inside, a Bob-omb ticked uncomfortably close to a bottle rocket.

"Hey, be careful with those," Samus scolded him. "Never know when one of them could go off—"

The box exploded, sending splinters flying as flames from the Smart Bombs engulfed everything in the nearby vicinity. Shouting expletives, Samus and Falcon leapt back from the blue-hot flame of the Smart Bombs, diving under their desks. But then bottle rockets shot off, ricocheting around the room and smashing things off the wall.

"SAMURAI GOROH ON A SPACESHIP!" Falcon shouted from under his desk.

"…_Damn_," was all Samus could add.

The bottle rockets finished, but then the psychic magic Ness and Lucas were known for took hold. PK Fire, Freeze, and Flash illuminated the walls, crackling throughout the room like a miniature fireworks display with red, blue, and green lights.

When everything had fizzled out, Samus and Falcon crawled out from under their desks, only to dive back under them again as a miniature PK Starstorm precipitated, showering tiny stars down on the room.

Then they crawled out from under their desks.

"Whoever…the _hell _sent that crate…is dead," Samus breathed, although of course she already had a very, very good idea who that was.

Purple and gold drifted down from the ceiling, rearranging itself to spell

Compliments of  
EARTHBOUND

"What the _hell_ have we done to EarthBound to elicit an exploding package?" Samus growled, throwing her hand through the glitter to mess up the words.

"Yeah, they're nice to everybody…" Falcon wondered.

A piece of paper fluttered down, landing on Samus's foot. She snatched it up quickly, only to meet the cold gaze of a bearded man with a bandana tied around his forehead.

_at the service of  
esteemed legendary mercenary  
_**Solid Snake**

the photograph read in gold inscription at the bottom.

"_Snake?_" Samus glared into the mercenary's green eyes. "How did _he_ get EarthBound?"

Falcon shrugged and then stated again: "They're nice to everybody."

"Hm. Well, I think it's about time Snake and I had our one-on-one chat," Samus murmured contemplatively. She took her suit down from the wall, sliding on the arm cannon with deliberate slowness.

"Want me to help?" Falcon said, standing up and eagerly placing a hand to the gun on his belt.

"No, thanks, ace. You keep watch, if you would," Samus said. She set her arm cannon to its highest vaporization setting and lowered her helmet. "I'll take care of this one."

x x x

Snake turned at the sound of the already-familiar pop and smiled. "Back already?"

"It's done," Ness shrugged, almost as if he was disappointed in himself. "Nothing too spectacular. Just enough to give them a wake-up call—you're in the game now. We figured you'd want the real action for yourself."

"Wow." Snake raised his eyebrows. "I'm still impressed. I don't how to repay you."

Ness waved it off. "Eh, there's no need for it. We're nice to newbies."

"Heh." Snake couldn't help but grin. This kid was a smartass, but Snake supposed he had every right to be. "Thanks."

"Do you need anything else, Snake?"

"Well, I may need you guys in the future, if that's okay—"

"Oh, you will," Ness said hurriedly. "But unless you need anything else right now, we should go. We have school tomorrow, and I haven't started my math homework yet..."

Although Snake didn't question him, he still wondered why kids pissing off deadly bounty hunters on a regular basis were worried about math homework, or why kids of such obvious skill needed to go to school at all. "Okay. Thanks, kids."

"You're welcome! We enjoyed working for you, Snake; you seem very cool. Please call us anytime you want." Ness turned to go, but he stopped suddenly. "Oh, and Snake, you may want to lock your door. _She's_ coming."

"_She?_" Snake's eyes widened. There was really no need for introductions at this point.

Lucas tugged on Ness's sleeve and gave him a reprimanding look.

"Oh, right—sorry, Snake, Lucas is right. She's _not_ coming."

"Good."

"She's already here."

"What!"

"See ya, Snake!" In a flash, the PK masters were gone.

"_Wait_—"

The door smashed down, and in lunged Samus Aran, her arm cannon squared directly at Snake's face.

"Hello, Snake," the bounty hunter said, grinning inside her helmet. "Any last words?"

Snake looked down the cold metal barrel, a whisker's length from his mouth. He could practically taste the metal on his teeth.

"…Damn," was all he said.


	4. Kiss Me or Kill Me Already!

**4:  
Kiss Me or Kill Me Already!**

Snake stared down the gaping hollow of Samus's arm cannon, his bottom lip practically sticking to the cold metal. He could already imagine the laser about to roar from the depths and obliterate his face. The soldier suddenly felt as though he should reiterate his situation.

"…_Damn_," he said again.

The metal monster then reached up and took off her helmet. Apparently the silent killer wanted to have a few words. Snake watched as Samus's slinky blonde hair slipped onto her shoulders, seeing her face for the second time. Her pool-colored eyes flickered.

"I'm pissed that you played EarthBound against us," she said. "They're our allies."

Snake frowned. "I thought that there were no allies here. It's a free-for-all. You can hire anybody."

Samus didn't reply. Her bottom lip jutted up, and her eyes narrowed into even thinner slits, if it were possible. Snake guessed that she didn't bullshit, just didn't answer until she had a good one.

"You're a mercenary?" she said.

"Ye—"

"Then you don't understand. You don't understand how hard I've worked to win the game here. You don't understand how I've dragged myself up from the bottom and made myself into an elite player above everyone else. You haven't played the game. You don't even know how."

Snake squirmed under the point of the cannon. "…So?"

"You've always had an organization to run to. Someone who's got your back if you mess up. Someone who can send you backup if you can't finish the task. I don't. I work alone. The only things I have to help me are a laser gun, my instinct—"

—and a fully-equipped power suit, Snake thought grimly.

"—and my own two feet. You don't know what it's like to have your whole life on the line and out in the open."

Snake shifted again, a smidge offended—that feeling was far from alien to him. "They're not all that different."

"Yes, they are." Bored, Samus picked up an antenna to a communication device Snake had been fiddling with and snapped it in half. Snake frowned. "That's why I don't like that EarthBound moved you pulled. That's is my whole reputation on the line here. This is all I have. I've worked for this. I'm not going to let some rookie who just wandered in and happened to get lucky stay alive for much longer."

Snake opened his mouth to protest that he was a bit more skilled than _that_, but another thought came to his mind. "Wait a second, you and _Falcon _work together—how is that working alone?"

Samus hesitated. Her lip pushed up again, but this time in a thoughtful manner. "Falcon and I work together strictly out of mutual benefit. If the time ever came for us to take opposite sides, though…he would die."

"So you admit you're better."

Samus raised her eyebrow. "Oh, I _am_ better. He's too…" She shuddered, as if recalling a horrid thought. "…_nice_." The hunter then repositioned her gun, having fallen to her side in her pontification. "Sadly, I am not nice at all. Goodbye, Snake."

"_Wait!_"

Normally, Samus ignored the final plea and just pulled the trigger. But, she liked this man. He asked questions. He put up a good fight. Pity he had to go so soon; he may have even made a nice partner, should she bother to entertain the possibility. She cocked her eyebrow at him, inviting him to continue.

"Since you're going to kill me anyway…" There was a sparkle in Snake's green eyes Samus hadn't seen in one facing the arm cannon before. "…How about that kiss? A guy's last request, if you will."

Samus frowned. She had a policy against communing with her prey. Don't play with your food, and such. But a small attachment to him had formed, and she _had_ wondered what it would be like to kiss him—or, someone, anyway…

Samus sighed, closed her eyes, and pursed her lips together. Snake blinked and did the same. He was surprised at his good luck and eager for an opportunity to grasp for an escape plan. Samus opened one eye. Once she saw his were closed, she smacked him across the face.

"You bigot! You'll never get that sort of thing out of me. Not that that information will help you now, anyway." She began to fire up her laser, that deathly sucking sound initiating. Ah, it was like music to her ears. So refreshing, like popping open a can of soda or starting up the cooling engines in her airship. She was sure it was the opposite for her opponents.

Snake eyed his desk frantically for his handgun—like he hadn't checked six million times already. He began grasping for straws as he struggled in his seat, if there was only something, _anything_ that could cause a distraction—

"Hey, Snake!" Sonic strolled in, a cup of coffee in his hand. "Would ya mind putting the toilet seat down after you—" He saw Samus leaning over Snake, blaster gun at ready, and the cup of coffee in his hand catapulted over his head. "ARRG!" He dashed out of the room, thoroughly earning his nickname 'Blue Streak.'

Samus frowned after the retreating back. "Who was that?"

"My partner, Sonic," Snake replied dully, hoping Sonic knew enough to be calling for their backup now.

"Hm, Sonic…" Samus glanced up at the ceiling contemplatively. "Sonic the Hedgehog. Annoying little twat. Not well known around here. Interesting you picked him for a partner."

Snake's face was emotionless. "I didn't."

"Hm." She then shrugged and started her arm cannon again, this time aiming it right in the middle of his chest. Sweat began to pop out along Snake's forehead and his back; his heart began pounding. There was nothing he could use. His Nikita was leaning on the opposite wall, he could see it over Samus's shoulder. All his guns must be on the desk. He could punch or kick her, but then she would fire the laser and that was what he _didn't_ want. There were nanoseconds remaining, less than nanoseconds remaining, and his hair was standing on end.

The only things nearby were Samus's breastplate and the fearsome charging sound of the blast about to annihilate him. He could only think of one thing. He yanked Samus forward—

And kissed her.

The bounty hunter threw herself back, sputtering and swearing. "What the—_hell_…"

Snake appeared incapacitated by his own action, wide-eyed and frozen to his seat. He didn't have time to savor the moment, though, as a laser came blazing from Samus's cannon, next to his right shoulder. Snake lunged and began crawling towards the other desk.

The blast from Samus's laser wove around the room like a lighthouse gone wrong. "I'll kill you," the assassin was chanting, her eyes as unforgiving as steel. "I'll _murder_ you. Castration won't be enough to punish you. You're dead."

Snake dove towards the desk, grabbing something, anything, that was loaded and still strong enough to cause damage. Papers, pencils flying down on top of him, he unearthed a handgun and locked it, knowing it wasn't strong enough to do anything. He fired it, the bullet harmlessly bouncing off her leg and clinking to the floor.

Meanwhile, Snake's kiss seemed to be eliciting an interesting reaction in the menace of space. Samus swung her beam around in a rage that she had never allowed herself before, just hiding her burning red face behind her armor. Of all the…_humiliating_ acts_… …_It was just so un_expected_…

"_Sonic!_" Snake yelled, tossing the gun over his shoulder. "I could _really use some backup now!…_"

"Uh, they're coming, Snake!" Sonic called. He stuck his head through a hole Samus's laser had just cleared through the wall. "Uh, yeah!"

Snake dove behind his desk and shifted his leg just in time, as a blue laser disintegrated the side of the desk next to him, along with the wall behind it. Samus didn't seem to be aiming very well at the moment, but of course that didn't make her any less deadly. Half the room had been destroyed, and Snake was amazed he wasn't part of that half yet.

There was an opening for the door. Snake ran for it, but Samus came from the opposite side of the room and rammed it—splintered it—shut with her shoulder. For a second Snake insanely admired the way her blonde hair fell about her cheeks, her inexhaustible expression, but he shook himself as Samus swung her arm at him and buried it in the wall behind him.

Falling backwards, Snake finally managed to nab his Nikita. He locked it and fired it at her, and the missile exploded on her, barely making a smudge on the shiny armor.

"…Dammit." Should have known…

He rolled to the other side of her foot as it slammed down, and suddenly Snake was cornered, forced to move backwards on his elbows. He threw a chair at her. Samus batted it away like it was a fly, a leer on her face Snake very much suspected Death wore before he took his victims (perhaps he and Ms. Aran were one and the same). A dictionary. Nope. The pages fluttered about as Samus smacked it away. There was nothing left for him except to cozy up next to the wall and face her.

Samus gripped him by the collar, sure to hold him away from her face this time. She held her arm cannon up and began charging it for the final time. She smiled slightly, tiling her head to the side. This was going to be so satisfying. "Nothing will be able to stop me from causing you as much physical pain as possible." Snake watched as the blue light particles swarmed towards the opening like bees to honey.

"Hello, Aran."

Samus looked over her shoulder, and her eyes went wide.

The leader stepped forward—his tail twitching slightly. "It's been a while."

She dropped Snake, her heart thudding wildly. "Uhn—_Star Fox!_"


	5. Ninja Menagerie!

**5:  
Ninja Menagerie!**

Fox McCloud stepped forward, his tawny ears twitching. "Still being bitchy, I see," he commented.

Samus took a second more to be stunned, then shook it off. Behind her, Snake slid down the wall and threw a longing glance at the door.

Fox gave him an irritated wave. Snake slid behind Samus, put his hand on the doorframe and scurried out of the room, his footsteps echoing metallically down the hall. Samus eyed him with a watchful gaze, but she didn't move to stop him. No bother, she thought. He would get his.

And no way would she ever miss an opportunity to rough up Star Fox.

Fox opened his mouth probably to make some other nasty comment about her, but a crash from the hallway interrupted him. As dusty smoke billowed into the room, Samus saw the pointed nose of a ship surfacing out of the wall. In entered a figure that looked nearly identical to Fox, with its white mohawk and pointed ears, but its fur was silvery-gray, and a blue eyepiece was perched over its left eye. The wolf creature wore a sleek vinyl jacket, the shoulders adorned with nasty-looking spikes.

"Sorry I'm late," apologized the wolfman in an unapologetic tone. Fox's tail switched compulsively.

"Star Wolf?" Samus said, showing about as much surprise as she was capable. "Aren't you two…" She flipped her finger between Wolf and Fox. "…enemies?"

Fox rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, thanks to _you_, Master Hand forced us into a merger. And we're _still_ on probation!"

There was a rusty screech on the roof, and a pattering of feet later in walked yet _another_ specimen, this time a blue bird. The feathers on top of his head scraped the doorframe as he entered, and he wore a white jacket similar to Fox's. He walked in and, taking one look at Samus Aran, made a move as if to jump her. Fox put a steadying hand on his colleague. If anyone was going to be jumping Samus Aran, it was going to be him.

"Bite me, Aran," were the first words out of Falco Lombardi's mouth.

Samus looked at the three assembled space animals. "Well well well." She tossed back her head and laughed. "Looks like the gang's all here! I couldn't ask for a better reunion. Tell me, Fox, are we going to reenact that little rebellion of yours?"

Growling, Fox rolled up his sleeves and pulled a blaster gun out of his pocket. "That's it, Aran. I've been wanting to make Swiss cheese out of your face for a long time."

Samus lowered her helmet and raised her gun. "Bring it on, Star Fox."

"Do I have to stay for this?" Star Wolf yawned, picking at something under his fingernail. "I have a dentist appointment…"

Fox's face turned bright red underneath his fur, his hands shuddering in anger. "_Get in there, Wolf!_"

Falco pulled out his own gun and sprang at her. "You're mine, Aran!"

Fox threw his hand against Falco's chest. "I thought we agreed _she's_ _mine!_"

In a few moments, fur and feathers were flying through the air. As soon as she had a moment, which was pretty soon as Fox had taken more to arguing with Wolf and Falco than fighting her, Samus took the opportunity to use her telocommunicator.

"Falcon—" she gasped.

"Already sent her in, Samus," replied the calm voice.

"…" Samus looked at the blank green screen. "…Thanks, Falcon. I should know by now you're always on the ball."

x x x

His footsteps resounding across the hall, Snake wondered just where that slimy hedgehog Sonic had disappeared to. Before he could guess that his partner had escaped without him, a blue-clad foot slid down in front of him, snaking up into an open vent in the ceiling.

This was swiftly followed by another, followed by a slithering torso and finally the head of an ambiguously-gendered person, the face hidden behind a white cloth. Blonde bangs framed their eyes red as glowing embers.

"Hello, _Snake_," the person said, a deep, resonant woman's voice.

Snake regarded this new intruder suspiciously. "Hi… Who're you?"

The woman took up a pose, standing on one toe and holding her hands aloft. Yellow sparks danced between her fingertips. "I'm Sheik!"

"Sheik?" Snake frowned, wondering where he had heard that before. The name sounded familiar…

"You may better know me as…" A purple blush began spreading over the woman's suit, turning it from blue to fuchsia. The corset lengthened into a swirling skirt, and the blonde hair turned brown, swinging in a long braid behind a pretty maiden's fresh face. "…Princess Zelda."

Snake blinked. "Oh. Zelda." The mercenary had to admit, he was surprised to see the princess here. From what he had read on the database, Zelda had a lot of responsibilities, being the sovereign of the land of Hyrule and all its surrounding provinces. She only rented her bountying services part-time.

"_Princess_ Zelda," the girl insisted, transforming into Sheik once more. "…Or Sheik. Whichever."

"Samus can't fight me herself, so she sent a little teenage girl after me?" Snake mused aloud. He was forgetting that not too long ago he had sent two teenage, or younger, boys after Samus.

"Little—excuse _me!_" Sheik shifted back into Zelda, the color of the royal's face coming to match her purple dress. She thrust her hands on her hips. "I am _nothing_ like that! I'm quite capable, thank you very much! I don't need your approval!"

Snake smiled. He was highly enamored with this girl. She would be fun to fight…if they ever got around to it. He held up his hands and poised for battle. "Then show me what you can do, Princess."

With a snap of her wrist, Zelda sent a fireball flying at him, just singeing the tip of his mullet. Snake managed to duck just in time. "Whoa," he muttered.

"Yes, how's _that?_" Zelda gritted her teeth. "And I have a lot more where that came from, in case you'd like to find out!"

To his surprise, Zelda didn't shift back into Sheik for most of the battle. Her attacks were quite quick, a mix of fire blasts and diamond shards and yellow sparks. Only once did she shift into Sheik, catching him off-guard, and threw a volley of needles at him.

Sweating, Snake decided that he needed to try something else. He didn't have any of his usual firepower on hand (he wasn't about to grab something under Samus Aran's nose), and he didn't feel magic versus bare skin was really a fair match. Never having dealt head-on with magic of this caliber, he feared what other tricks Zelda might have up her sleeve. "So, uh…how'd you and Samus meet?" he began conversationally, as Zelda took a swipe at him with a flaming hand.

"Oh, we sit next to one another at the Galactic Federation!" Zelda formed a golden ball in her hands and threw it at him. "We also knit together. Isn't that splendid?"

"Um…what?" Snake's strategy ended up confusing him more than it did Zelda, as he was having a hard time imagining Samus in that huge, bulky power suit knitting baby buntings.

"Listen, Zelda…" Snake gasped finally. "I've really got a ride to catch. Is there some way we could reach a truce?"

Zelda lowered her arms. "Yes."

Snake blinked. "Really?"

She pointed at Snake's chest, where all his grenades and ammo hung. "I want one of those."

Snake frowned. "What! No." Asking for one of Snake's weapons was akin to asking for his firstborn child. "Ask for something else."

Zelda raised her arm, the tips of her fingers crackling faintly.

Snake waved his hands. "Okay, okay, geez…" Disgruntled, Snake began to unbuckle one of his grenades. He tossed it to her, and she caught it in two hands. "What's a girl like you want with one of those things, anyway?"

"Gopher problem. Royal garden has these huge, immense gophers, they keep eating everything…" Zelda squinted at the cap of the grenade. "Hey, this thing is undone—"

"Heh," Snake said, as the grenade exploded in a wild burst of red. He dove out of the way, behind a metal cabinet as the flames blast past him.

Snake finally reached the emergency dock, feeling a little guilty—after all, Zelda had been very pretty. But he had left two grenades near the exit for her said 'gopher problem,' so he hoped that would temper the princess a little bit.

Snake saw one of the two escape capsules had been deployed. _Once I get my hands on that hedgehog_… His hands gripped in eager anticipation at the thought.

"I guess Zelda didn't do you in like I had hoped."

Snake stopped, and turned. A tall, broad-shouldered man walked out from among the boxes of ship parts, his blue suit shining brilliantly in the florescent lights. A golden gun hung at his hip. His scarf swayed around his neck.

"It's a shame," Captain Falcon said, smiling a little. "But she really has gotten a lot better."

Snake's heart began thumping along wildly. The appearance of Samus Aran's partner had been so sudden he hoped he had imagined it, but sadly, Captain Falcon was all too real.

The F-Zero pilot cracked his knuckles, the shiny orange material of his gloves flexing. The empty white sockets where his eyes should have been held his gaze. _Creepy_…, Snake thought. "I'm excited to get fight you, Snake. You've proven a very worthy opponent for Samus so far, so I hope you'll show me something magnificent."

Shaking himself out of his disbelief, Snake put up his fists and motioned for Falcon to come forward. "Then show me your moves," he said…reversely.

Although massively powerful and much quicker than Snake was, in hand-to-hand combat Falcon's style was rough, and he often missed Snake by a wide berth. Snake dodged his kicks and punches easily, even though the mercenary had never felt himself to be all that fast of an opponent. Captain Falcon also had the unusual habit of announcing his attacks before executing them. Snake guessed this was either some scare tactic or an exquisite form of idiocy.

As a 'Falcon Punch' whistled past his ear, Snake felt the heat just singe the hairs on his neck. The orange flames formed the shape of a bird—a falcon, presumably—and emitted a screech that rattled Snake's eardrums.

"Is there some reason you announce your attacks?" he said, ducking underneath Falcon's arm. "It sort of—gives you away…"

"For show," Falcon answered, bounding away from him. "I like making an impression." He gave a loud "Falcon _KICK!_" and delivered a flaming boot right to Snake's stomach from halfway across the room. Snake gasped as all his wind was knocked out of him and fell to his knees. Falcon sidled on over.

"It works," Snake gasped.

Falcon grinned and pinned him to the ground under his weight. The two wrestled with each other for a few minutes until Falcon, finally getting the upper hand, hoisted the mercenary up and held him around the neck. Snake's feet kicked vainly at the air. It was a strange feeling, being lifted up like this. Most of his opponents weren't…as big as he was.

"Too bad Samus didn't get to finish you off herself, but she'll have the job done at any cost."

Snake struggled for air. The oppressive squeeze on his throat made him realize he was being choked to death, a move he often used himself. Snake grimaced—he was going to have to use elementary-level tactics.

"Falcon Kick!" he thought to himself, kicking Falcon in between the legs. Falcon gasped and dropped Snake, who quickly swept the man's legs out from under him. Grabbing the emergency hose, he tied Falcon's right foot to the end and slammed the on the jam. He watched with some amusement as Falcon flew up towards the ceiling.

Taking a spare hose bundled up underneath, Snake wrapped it around the pilot and tied it in a bowline knot behind his back. Falcon wouldn't be getting out of that anytime soon.

Snake circled around Falcon, contemplating him with some amusement. He looked a little like a large bug swinging upside-down in the web of a spider, waiting to be eaten.

"Thanks for dropping by, Falcon, but I'd appreciate it if you called ahead next time." Snake waved his hand, but he turned back. "By the way, do you prefer to be called 'Captain' or 'Falcon'? Or something else entirely?"

Falcon tossed his head in a last-ditch effort to escape. He gritted his teeth. "What's it matter to you?"

Snake shrugged, with such casualness that it made Falcon struggle against his chains anew and desire to deliver a Falcon Punch right to his face. "I just want to be right. It's only polite."

"It's Falcon."

"All right—"

"…To my friends. From you, I wouldn't mind the 'Captain' part."

"Ouch." Snake smiled ruefully. Contemplating Falcon's upside-down position again, he rubbed his chin. "Guess I better escape before you break out of those hose."

"Beat it, Mullet," Falcon snapped so hard his jaw clicked shut. "Before I make your face kiss your ass."

Snake smiled, to show the man he knew he was just bluffing. "See ya, Captain."

He popped open the escape hatch and dropped out of sight, in the distinctly stealthy style that was entirely his.

"…Samus is going to be sooo pissed," Falcon said, struggling aimlessly against the hose.

**xxx**

Ah, it's just not by me until someone gets kicked in the crotch.

**Next chapter:** Snake x Samus finally?


End file.
